My friend and esteemed colleague Laura Gabbay asked me to answer some questions about #thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson.

Here’s my first interview about Dear Jesse and the things I don’t want to tell him. Enjoy!

Dear Jesse,

When I go on vacation without you, I call my alter ego “Fat Biker.”

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

She is hard core.

Dear Jesse,

You make my heart go thump thump.

‪#‎thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson‬

Dear Jesse,

I love my new job. This week, I spent an inordinate amount of time figuring out the printer situation and then had an orgasm in the office supply storage room.

‪#‎thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson‬ ‪

#‎iloveofficesupplies‬‪

#‎pilotG2retractablepremiumgelinkrollerballpens‬

Dear Jesse,

Beth Berry from Revolution from Home is offering FAMILY LIVING ABROAD CONSULTING!

‪#‎thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson‬

Dear Jesse,

Our little tidying group voted on a hashtag today. On February 2, 2015,‪#‎howdidigetsomuchshit‬ was born from the mind of creative genius Natalie Poulson. BIG, IMPORTANT things are happening behind the scenes.

‪#‎thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson‬

Dear Jesse,

If I hadn’t already had your babies, I’d want to have your babies.

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

And, like, I TOTALLY understand: no more babies.

Dear Jesse,

Sitting here, enjoying my coffee, listening to the sweet, sweet sounds of Michael Buble, watching your sweet, sweet ass make cinnamon rolls is the closest thing to Christmas porn I can imagine.

‪#‎thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson‬ ‪#‎hohoho‬

Dear Jesse,

I mean, I love art. And I’m happy to accompany you to your company work party at the Boulder Museum of Contemporary Art, butt…

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

This is the position in which I gave birth to our first born.

You remember; you were there.

Dear Jesse,

I would TOTALLY poop glitter.

‪#‎thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson‬ ‪#‎glittershit‬

Dear Jesse,

Thrice I have gone into King Soopers & NOT bought this AMAZING pumpkin lantern for the LOW, LOW price of $34.99, using up all my will power.

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

Don’t even tell me that we’d have to store it for 10 months a year: 1) pumpkins are ALWAYS festive; and in case you disagree that jack-o-lanterns are an all-season decoration 2) we have a large, very unorganized shed in which we could surely make some space.

Dear Jesse,

After reading this article, I like to think that before you met me, your penis was homeless.

http://feministing.com/2014/09/10/quote-of-the-day-pastor-explains-that-god-created-women-to-be-penis-homes-for-men

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

“Therefore, if you are single you must remember that your penis is homeless.”

Dear Jesse,

All I want for Christmas is a jump suit with Hannibal Buress’s face on it.

http://printallover.me/products/0000000p-hannibal-jumpsuit

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

It’s only $200.

Dear Jesse,

The only thing I like better than tampons is eight-bit nostalgia.

http://www.fastcoexist.com/3035331/tampon-run-a-game-from-two-teenagers-who-want-you-to-know-that-periods-are-totally-normal

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

PS. The Fruit Bandits (Plano, Texas, circa 1995) used tampons in acts of vandalism/public art.

Dear Jesse,

The best thing about being an American right now is that Dancing with the Stars airs very shortly after SYTYCD ends.

That Tavis Smiley is one of the stars this season is proof that God exists.

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

#overjoyed

Dear Jesse,

I have solved the “how”of having difficult conversations: broach all of them via Facebook and see what happens. 

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

(Everyone should read this article.)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201408/just-say-it

“When it comes to discussing tough topics, how, when, why, and even whether to express oneself are critical elements of productive conversations and, ultimately, relationship satisfaction. Weighing all the factors amounts to a complex psychological algorithm with the highest stakes: Get it right, and you can fortify relationships and boost your well-being. Get it wrong, and you can put a painful wedge between you and the people you love and need the most.”

Dear Jesse,

You’re at Ambi for my Friday night date nights in September plan. I win!

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson — at Ambli Gourmet Eatery and Wine.

Dear Jesse,

Sometimes you need to go yoga to not feel depressed, but other times you need to treat your depression before you can muster up the strength to leave the house and go to yoga.

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

Yay! Restorative yoga! I am restored. — at Harmony Yoga, LLC.

Dear Jesse,

I am disproportionately burdened. 

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

But I guess this why I quit my day job? Home cooked meals???

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/study-finds-home-cooking-disproportionately-burdens-mothers

“The traditional standards of ‘good mothering,’ the team posits, demanded that mothers manage an unrealistic balance of their own time, money, energy and focus, all while catering to the desires of their families. Participants in the study reported that picky eating habits from spouses and children, plus mismatched schedules, made arranging specific meals and mealtimes a Sisyphean effort.”

Dear Jesse,

Not sure who’s more excited about the first day of school, Banjo or me.

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

Jai Ma! Praise G-d! Thank you, Jesus!! 

Dear Jesse,

I (we) are so behind on laundry that I suggest we throw it all away and start over with all new wardrobes.

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

This is but a fraction of our dirty clothes.

Dear Jesse,

In case you don’t remember, I punched you in the testicle and then cried myself to sleep last night.

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

I’m really, really sorry. I’m nursing my hangover today with a scientific combination of Coke, coffee, and coconut water.

Dear Jesse,

The primary goal I’m focusing on today is drinking enough water that I don’t feel like total shit when I drink the amount of wine that I plan to this evening.

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

Anything else I do, on top of drinking water, will really exceed my own expectations.

Dear Jesse,

This weekend, if you have plans to make anything that requires half & half, Mexican Coke, apple cider vinegar, beer, eggs, cream cheese, overripe bananas, and/or pickled jalapeños, then I’ve got you covered.

If you need any other ingredients, you might want to stop by the store.

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

We’re low in the food department.

Dear Jesse,

Here’s a list of all your fish that have lived in your birthday aquarium, both living & deceased, for you to think about at work today. 

 The Incredible Hulk   😥
 Dorothy
 Poop in the Tub
 Kung Fu Panda 😥
 Frog Sticker 😥
 Black Unicorn 😥
 Pink Lady Sif
 Hulk Dos 😥
 Giant VanRaemdonck 😥
 The New Frog Sticker 😥
 Orange is the New Black Unicorn
 Total Black Fin
 The New New Frog Sticker 1
 The New New Frog Sticker 2

#thingsidontwanttotelljesseinperson

# of fish to date: 14